Life

Thursday, November 10, 2005

well, i havent blogged for 5 days. unusual but i've been so busy , all these thigns are secondary. These 2 weeks have been hell for me. really, i dunno how i pulled thru.. thank God for close friends who have helped me stand up straight.
I was rushing presentations and assignments so much that i had often forgotten to eat and sleep.. well, monday, my social support presentation was crappy. i felt like our research paper was so amatuer.. making a mountain out of molehill for unimportant parts..well, getting questioned by the nicest lecturer.. i dunno.. i was right, we only got a B for our group research paper. After all that hard work. Sigh. I also got a B for my indiv ss paper. so 60% of this mod has been settled, a B. hOW MUCH BETTER can i do for the rest of the 40%. sigh.
Then came my inidv family therapy presentation on tues and i did dance movement therapy. i thought that went well. I was confident of the material and i gave it all i could. I was so sick, having gastric and vomitting the day before, a few hours of sleep. So thank God it went well, thanks for that constant encouragement.. (you know who u are)Well, then we worked on our policy paper the whole day again.. slow progress, but i love this group. there's something abt being in a whole group of christians. they are ever so willing to lessen ur workload and are so encouraging.. we celebrated Andre's birthday, prayed for him.. poor guy, has to do project on his birthday. the guys stayed up the whole night at law link and came to class at 9am directly..never even brushed teeth! i feel so guilty. MAybe i should have stayed with them.
Honestly, i never knew i was so dumb and a useless group member.. for the evaluation project, almost everything i did wasnt included in the paper, for the policy paper, everything i wrote had to be majorly edited cos the analysis was nt good enough. it feels crappy.. looking at them spending half the night correcting my part. i feel so responsible. Then on wed, since the paper was still under construction, the rest of us tried working on it and i couldnt cancel my driving, had to leave at 3, leaving the rest who stayed till 6. I just feel so uselesss honestly. like, i hardly contributed to the group, i dun deserve the grade. Its been plagueing me for a long time..i dunno what i can do.. maybe i should really put in a lot more effort into my work and make sure i clarify without making assumptions. Well, i really dun have the motivation like the rest to stay up the whole night to do work... why! maybe my mindset needs to be changed. I have to put in more effort. To think i actually call myself a perfectionist when the rest are better.
i never knew i was this dumb. Got back the social support paper, and the other 3 groups got , A+, A, A- and we got a B. what! i can't laugh nor can i cry.
When i went for driving, i really couldnt do the slope thing. I couldn;t even pull up the hand brake to its fullest, nor pull it down. I suck at it. never been a day where i felt this dumb.
Kaiyin asked me out to Ladee's place with Jacin for dinner.. so we bought food to cook and then went to her place.. and we watched tab tv (interesting news on china girls) and Amazing race! finally, the Paolo's are out. Thank God for a relaxing evening after the trauma.
Well, today i woke up and i feel a void. its time to start studying, exams are in 11 days and i can barely concentrate. i havent even finished printing my readings. i wanna go out and have some fun. too many disappointments, i've been too numb.
I JUST WANNA LAZE.