Life

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Feelings of melancholy overwhelm me now.. i know why, i don't know why..Studied in church the whole day till 7pm, listening to the band practise.. made me feel like i missed being in the presense of God, in praise and worship.. but wait a min, isnt the presense of God supposed to be with us 24/7? why dun i feel it? sigh, i think my mind's taken over.. thoughts keep filling my head.. not my school work though.. i had such a screwed up day yesterday,. stayed at home so that vanessa could come and i barely studied anything.. also, i wasnt able to understand what i was studying..i felt stupid again..Kristen prayed for me over the phone, was so touched, almost moved to tears.. knowing someone cares helps. I couldnt even smile when we celebrated my mum's birthday at midnight..felt so terrible.. terrible also to rely on my sis to get all her gifts, cake, card, etc.. she's even paid more for the gifts cos i dun have much cash on me.. urgh! i cant get used to the idea that my sis is earning before me.. and she's always splurging on the family.. so numb already, i prayed and slept.. went to church abt 11 today.. studied what i could, good fellowship with Ros..envy her that she's got something to look forward to, but hey, i had my fair share to thank God for. Just pray the best for her.we reminiscenced so much today.. about us following the same route.. and how we were always even in the same athelete/ sports group.. chew house, draco house..PL, SRJC, NUS. meant to be sista! ok so, i had my mum's bday dinner to go to at 7 plus. we went to pasta mania.. oh after the body shop frenzy.. bought so mnay things again! urgh. i hate shopping now, esp when i am not earning. i do not feel good spending. oh wait a min, 3/4 of the things i bought wasnt even for myself! so that makes it better.
my cousin from KL is down and it was nice talking to her.. i can't wait to run away to KL..need solitude..where i dun have to be sittting down thinking of why things are different but enjoying the company of the little kids and cuz's (who all have kids). I miss being a kid myself. really. it doesnt feel like i'm 23. and it doesnt feel like i'll be working full time next year. maybe i'll decide not to work, and be a full time missionary in cambodia. i'll rather be teaching the kids dance and maybe learn khmer to be a social worker there! Singapore is too priviledged. I'm sure many more will reckon should they go to villages. I don't want to give up but the forces are strong.. i'm in the ruts now.. i am studying.. but not hard enough..i'm worrying little and not that stressed but thats unlike me.. i'm rattling so i should stop now.
3 days to the end of 2 papers im barely prepared for.